Dee's Blog Bit

Taxotere number 2 (and Herceptin number 12) was on Thursday.
No particularly bad effects so far, apart from feeling spaced out and just not with it.  But then they didn't start until a few days afterwards last time, sowe shall see!

I'm not really feeling 'with it' at the minute, so please excuse my randomness and gibbering.  But I thought I'd better type a few words, as people have been asking after me, an asking how I'm doing.
They've been saying how brave they think I am, and what an inspiration I am.
Am I brave?  No.
Am I strong?  No.
And I certainly don't feel very inspirational.

I keep going because I have to.  I have no choice.  It isn't because I'm brave or strong.  Just because I can't do anything else.
And do I sometimes wish it was just all over, so I wouldn't have to face this anymore?  Of course I do.  Often.  That's not brave, strong, or inspirational.  It's just selfish.  I know that.
Some days are better than others.  The days I feel well, I'm happy to carry on.  But the time after chemo, I'd happily curl up and die, at times.

The bone scan I had before christmas, showed abnormailites (hot spots) on my right shoulder.  This could indicate that the cancer had spread to my bones too, so I had to have my shoulder x-rayed.
The x-ray showed no abnormalities, so hopefully it isn't bone metastasies.
The chest x-ray I had also appears to be clear.  So at least there was a bit of decent news, at last!

James and me went to Edinburgh over new years.
It was nice to get away, even though the Hogmanay street party we had tickets for, was cancelled due to bad weather!
We managed to have a nice time though.. visited the zoo, wandered around Edinburgh, and went to The Secret Garden, at The Witchery restaurant, for a meal.
I have to admit that on new years eve, while we were sitting in a pub (due to the street party being cancelled), surrounded by strangers, I really struggled to fight back the tears, on several occasions, wondering if this would be my last new years eve.  Who knows.

Just outside the koala enclosure, at Edinburgh zoo, was a quote on a sign.  I thought it was quite touching.
It said:
"We are all visitors to this time, this place. We are just passing through.
Our purpose here is to observe, to learn, to grow, to love... and then we return home."

I also went wig shopping on Wednesday, due to the latest departure of my hair, thanks to chemo.  I decided on a blonde number, called 'Teri'.  It's really miles away from what I expected to come home with (after having short dark red hair, for the past year!).  But I quite like her..