Dee's Blog Bit

"Go to sleep, my baby.
Close your pretty eyes.
Angels watching o'er you, peeping at you, darling,
from the skies.
Great big moon is shining, high up in the sky.
Time to go to sleep, my pretty one.
Go to sleep."

My mum used to sing that to me, when I was little. 

She picked Dillon kitten up today, like a baby, and started singing it.  It was all I could do to not burst into tears in front of all the family.  So I stared at the tv, with my eyes full of tears, and bit my bottom lip, to stop it shaking.

Yep, it's been one of those days.

I've just found this marvelous feature, so thought I'd stick a few photos in here, to scare the kiddies with! ;op

Left to right.. 1) about a month before I found out I had breast cancer. 2) After surgery, modelling my new wig, that I haven't worn!  3) With my hat on, as my hair was falling out, thanks to chemo.  4) Bald!  5)  Me and my 'new hair'. 17th October 2005. A braided bandana, with a hat over the top

Here we are again.  Please excuse my random ramblings.  It appears my brain's gone on vacation.  I'm blaming it on the chemo.

Third chemo was today, so another three to go.

I saw the oncologist yesterday (Dr Doo, as the nurses fondly call him).  Had a chat about the whole Herceptin thing, and was informed that my chances of the NHS funding it are virtually nil.

I was also brave enough to ask about my 'chances' yesterday.  I was told that statistically, I have a 65% chance of surviving 10 years, without recurrence or spread (so about a 2 out of 3 chance), as it is now, with the treatment I'm having.  If I was to have Herceptin, this could go up to about an 80% chance (about a 3 in 4 chance).  It might not seem much of an improvement to alot of people, but it is to me.

There have been so many people, who I either hardly know, or don't know at all, giving me money to help towards paying for the Herceptin treatment.  I've had quite a few online donations, and a few cheques too, over the past couple of weeks.  Every time I open an envelope with a cheque in, my eyes fill up.  The selflessness of these people is astounding me.  It's really touching to know that there are such people out there.. and I feel very humbled by it.

Anyway, yes, third chemo has gone now.  My vein's sore and I feel a bit rough, but apart from that, I'm feeling ok.  I think it's likely to hit me tomorrow, when I seem to have comitted my day to other people!  I'll see how I feel after I've attempted to be out for most of the day.

I have more drugs to add to my ever increasing collection.  Another bottle of steroids.. that makes three, because I'm refusing to take them.  I don't feel as though I need them, and I don't want to look like a German shot-putter (no offence to any German shot-putters out there.. it's just I'm not one, and have no desire to be one).  And I seem to be stock-piling anti-sickness tablets, because I evidently don't take as many as I really should.  But again, I haven't needed many so far (touch wood).

I have been taking the steroids they've given me before treatment (I don't want to be vomiting in the treatment room, after all!), which was earlier today.  So now I'm in gibber mode, because I'm all 'roided up.  Great stuff when I just want to sleep!

Over and out..

After feeling as though I've been at war with myself, my body, and everyone around me for the past few days, I'm feeling a little more at peace.  Although, if I'm honest, I think I've felt this way for quite some time, and am probably feeling no more at peace than I was before my latest 'episode'.

I can hear the chatter of the TV in the living room, where my parents and Dillon kitten are, and for a change, it isn't irritating me.. it's just chatter.

I went to see Gina, my new reflexologist (I say new.. I've never actually had a reflexologist before), this evening. She's also a Homeopath.  I was in with her for a good two hours.  We had a good natter and a good foot prodding session, when she said she'd like to work closely with me.  I wanted to make it a regular thing anyway, so I was all ears.  Our 'arrangement' is that I see her every three weeks (which fits in well with chemo sessions, at the minute), keep her updated on how I'm feeling and let her know if I'm having any chemo side-effects, so she can hopefully help me homeopathically, and in exchange, I get a pretty damn good discount on treatments.

So here we are.. my feet feel like I've been walking on clouds.. my mood's lifted.. I have a little 'pill' to take tonight, one next Thursday, one on Saturday night, and one on Sunday morning.  She made it clear that nothing she gives me will interfere with my chemo treatment, and can only do good in boosting my immune system, which is exactly what I wanted.  She seems to be on the same wavelength as me, and I like her.

I intended, from the very outset of finding out I had cancer, to go with complimentary therapies, aswell as conventional stuff.  I did consider, at one point, disregarding a big part of the conventional stuff.  In the end though, I wanted to know that I'd done everything possible, to keep it from coming back.  If it comes back and I hadn't had chemo, I'd have always wondered if I could have stopped it.  I'm not a huge fan of poisoning my system, which is basically what chemo is.  I've always tried to avoid toxins and chemicals, so chemo was going against the grain somewhat, but there you go.  When I had a potentially fatal disease thrown in my path, I was willing to do whatever it took to try and get rid of it.

Just as a note, before I forget, I've been regularly reading a couple of other ladies blogs.  They're also being treated for breast cancer (I never know whether to say I've got breast cancer, or I had it.. 'being treated' for it seems like the way to go).

The first lady is Jane.  Jane's postings inspire me.  her blog can be found Here

Secondly is Mary, who's blog can be found Here 

Much as I hate this cancer thing, I've spoken to some wonderful people, who I may never have met otherwise.  People who inspire me to live, and not just exist.

My Hallowe'en dress arrived today.  the dress I've been hankering after for four years.  It's black and wine velvet.. very beautiful, and fits perfectly.  I've even ordered a wig to match!

I have to scoot over to Olay.com now.. according to my mum, they're giving things away.  When I enquired as to whether it was a cure for cancer, the reply was "no".. fancy that.  I'm still going to have a look what they're offering though..

I've felt very alone over the past couple of days.  Not lonley as such, because I have friends who'll never let me feel lonely.  But very alone.  There's no-one close enough to share how I feel in the middle of the night, when I wake up and start panicking.  There's no one to hug me and say "we'll beat this".  If it's going to be beaten, it looks like I'll be beating it alone.  And if it isn't going to be beaten, well, it looks like I'll be doing that alone too.

Being 'alone' has never bothered me all that much, until recently.  Now it's become painfully obvious that I am very much alone, at a time when I really don't want to be.

I hear women with breast cancer, talking all the time about how supportive their partners are being (and yes, there are some who's partners are very unsupportive too), and I wish so much that I had that kind of support.  I have support from my friends and family, which I'm really grateful for, but I'd like the support of someone who I could cry with.. laugh with, and share my scariest fears with.. in the middle of the night, which is when the scariest fears rear their head.

I found out, a couple of days ago, that me and 'plus one' are on the guest list for the Faithless gig in Nottingham, on 26th November.  This means getting in for free, and access to the after show drinking session, to meet everyone.  Great news!  Or it was when I got it, and I know it would have been at any other time in my life.  Now, whenever anyone mentions it, my heart sinks, and I don't know why.

I don't seem to have any motivation to do anything, and have had a really low couple of days.  Things seem to just keep getting worse.  Why can't they get better, for once?

What a manic few days it's been.

A couple of days ago, I received a letter from The Royal Marsden hospital, informing me of my HER2 status, which turns out to be strongly positive.  This means I need the drug Herceptin, to give me a crack at living.

Herceptin has been all over the news this week, and obviously, all this news has been very prominent to me.

The NHS are refusing to fund the vast majority of Herceptin treatments, so it will most likely cost me around £40,000 to self-fund.  Money I don't exactly have in my back pocket!

There are people doing lots of fund-raising things for me, from selling their stuff on Ebay, to doing sponsored runs, to producing car stickers and rubber wristbands, in my name.  There are people offering to send me their wages.  There's been talk of setting a charity up.  There have even been suggestions of people donating sperm, to raise money!

I'd have never believed, until now, that people who hardly know someone, would be willing to help so much.  I've found it really touching, and cried so many times, just because I'm overwhelmed at peoples response to this.  It's restored my faith in human nature, which I'd all but lost.

£40,000 is a hell of alot of money, and I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to manage to get it, but I have to try.  My chances of still being here in 5 years time are quite low if I don't get Herceptin.  With it, my chances could be doubled.

If anyone who reads this, has any ideas how I could raise some money, please get in touch with me.

I'd better go feed Dillon kitten, and take my clothes out of the washing machine now..

Yesterday, I went to a 'Healthy Living Day', which was organised by Breast Cancer Care.  I was a bit unsure about going, because the only people there, would be women who were being treated for, or had been treated for breast cancer.  I didn't want to spend a whole day being forced to think about it, whilst getting pittiful looks from the older people.

Turns out it was a lovely day.  It looked like they'd tried to group us, as best they could, in to similar age groups (though I was still the youngest).  We had taster sessions of Reflexology, Indian Head massage, Reiki and Aromatherapy/hand massage.  Even learned how to give a hand massage.

I got a bit upset the night before, and cried myself to sleep (again).  Nothing to do with the day out ahead.. just thinking about things, and remembering again that I'm very mortal and may not be around as long as I'd always assumed I would.  The Healthy Living Day was probably just what I needed.

It was all lovely.. very relaxing and uplifting, but I especially enjoyed the Reflexology.  It impressed me so much that I've made an appointment to see the lady who did it, next week.  So looking forward to that.

Went into town today, and was bought a really nice cream angora hat.  The lady in the shop commented to the person who bought it for me, that I was a 'beautiful young lady' (without sounding at all condescending, which was nice).  It's pretty obvious to everyone that I have no hair.  I was wearing a scarf on my head, and a hat, and it makes me feel a bit self-conscious, because people do look.  But this lady's remark made me feel so much better.. bless her :o)

I think I'm going to get some pink hair dye, and colour what's left of my stubble, pink.. or dye my scalp pink. One or the other!