Dee's Blog Bit

I woke up this morning, after a dream that the cancer had spread to my liver.  What a wonderful thought to wake up to!

I treasure the few moments, first thing in the morning, when I wake up and think nothing.  Just for a few seconds, my mind's blank.  There's no cancer.  No baldness.  No feeling of dread.  No fear.  But some mornings, and this morning was one of them, BAM! it's there straight away.

I've spent the evening in a chemo haze.  Chemo was Wednesday, and I've felt relatively normal up until tonight.  I spent the whole of yesterday in my jim jams and fluffy dressing gown, but today, I managed to go into town.  My head's been all over the place since I got back though.  Back home.  Back to reality.  back to yet more bad news from someone I've come to know, through this damned awful disease.

My gaze has just been drawn up to the glass Calico ball, hanging in my window.  I bought it when I went to Herne Bay, earlier this year.  I'd had what I thought was a pretty awful time, and I went down there, to stay with Andy for a couple of days.  I was completely oblivious to the cancer thing then.  I can close my eyes now, and feel the sea breeze on my face.

Not long after that, I went to North Wales, in my newly aquired convertible car.  Roof down, sun shining.  It was one of the most perfect days I can remember.  It was just a week or two after that, my life changed forever.  The day that promises of a new life, a new relationship and a new future, came crashing around my feet, was the day I found 'the lump'.

How I wish I could go back to the weeks and months before then.  But I can't.