Dee's Blog Bit

I've been feeling more and more ill since the first cycle of my new chemo, last Wednesday.
One of the expected side-effects is a sore mouth, so I wasn't too surprised when my mouth got sore. 
I wasn't surprised I didn't feel great.  I felt fluey and achey.  Again, that's to be expected (this stuff is destroying my cells, after all).
But it started to get too much.  My mouth was in agony.  I could hardly open it, I couldn't speak properly, and all I could 'eat' was cold milk.

Yesterday, I had to go the the hospital for a bone scan, so I called in at the chemo dept while I was there.
They took my blood, and informed me that my white blood cell count was 0.  Yes, zero.  I had absolutely no immune system.
I also have tonsilitis, which has spread all over my mouth, hence the incredible mouth pain.
Obviously, having no immune system, my body couldn't fight this, so it was just getting worse.
Fortunately, my temperature was normal, so they sent me home with antibiotics, anti-bacterial mouthwash, and pain killers.
If my temperature had been high, that would have been a sign the infection had got into my blood sytem, causing blood poisoning, so I'd have been stuck in hospital, on IV antibiotics.
I'm just grateful I'm at home!

Before the chemo, I felt absolutely fine, even though I had a 10cm alien growing in my liver.  Now I feel like I'm falling to bits!

The doctor made sure to tell me that the course of antibiotics will have ended in time for christmas day, so I'll be able to have a couple of glasses of wine!
I REALLY hope my mouth's better by then (I hope it's better long before then).  I don't fancy liquidised christmas dinner.  All I can eat at the minute, is liquidised bland food.  I can't even manage fruit smoothies, because the acid sends me through the roof!

So for now, I have to stay home.  Not allowed to go out, incase I manage to find myself some more infections, and not allowed to see anyone who has colds, or anything else.
It's been a fun week in Deeland!

You hear about people dying all the time.  You say "sorry" to their family, and get on with your life.

So what happens when it's you who's dying?  What do you say to your family?  "Sorry" doesn't really seem to cut it.
What do you say to yourself?  How are you suppose to feel and act? 
How are you supposed to get your head around your own death?

I'm not scared of dying.  But I am scared of leaving behind the people I love.  I'm scared to death (excuse the pun) of leaving James.
I've had my share of 'mild' depression in my time.  Sometimes I wouldn't have much cared if I'd died.  So why now I like my life.  In fact, I love my life.  Why not when I hated my life?  Why did whatever/whoever decides who's going to live, and who's going to die, decide they were going to drop this on me now?
What kind of a screwed up world is this?

I hear people talking about their problems.  How they hate Monday mornings.  They hate their job.  They don't get paid enough.  Boyfriend troubles.  Girlfriend troubles.  Car troubles.  Blocked toilets.
And while I know everyone has their own problems to worry about, I wish they'd see the good things in their lives.  I'd trade them for any or all of those troubles.

The cancer's back.

I found out on 22nd November that it's spread to my liver.  I now have secondary/metatstatic breast cancer.  There were two tumours they could see on the ultrasound scan.  One's 'small', the other's 10cm.
On Tuesday, I'll start 3-weekly Taxotere chemo, in the hope of shrinking and controling it.  With the larger tumour, there's not going to be much room for error.

I feel like my world's fallen apart.  Just when things seemed to be going so well.  Nice holiday, just gone back to work, and then this.
I'd be lying if I said I thought I was coping well.. I'm not.  I'm scared.  I don't want to die.  And I'm sick of crying.  Sick of waking up every morning with sore, puffy eyes, from crying.  Sick of feeling sorry for myself. And sick of keep putting my friends and family through this rubbish.

The cancer's not curable now.  I'm just hoping and praying that it can be controlled for a while.  There's so much I still want to do with my life.  I met the most amazing man in the world in January, and I'm not ready to leave him.