Dee's Blog Bit

I have so many friends, aquaintances, and family who want to help me get through this nightmare of a cancer journey.. So why do I always feel so alone?
It seems so unfair.  Unfair to myself, and unfair to the people who want to be there for me.
I know it hurts them to know that, despite their best efforts, I still feel so lonely.  But what am I supposed to do?  How am I supposed to make it better?

It's a lonely road.  It's a difficult road.  And it's a scary road.
All the times in my life, I thought I was scared, yet nothing even came close to the fear I've felt in the past year.
A fear that I wouldn't be here today. 
Fear that I'd never again, see the people I care about. 
Fear of never being able to feel the sun on my skin, or the breeze on my face.
Fear of not being able to see, or to feel anything.

I'd never contemplated death at close range, before this past year.. and it's scary.

Today saw my second 'round' of Herceptin.
I didn't feel rubbish this time, which I'm grateful for.
They poked around for a while, and bruised my arm, trying to find a vein.
I walked out of the chemo suite, full of £2000 worth of drugs.

People think I should be grateful to be having this treatment.
Believe me, I'm glad I have access to it, when so many other people don't.  But I'm struggling to be grateful for it.
I still feel cheated that I got this damn disease in the first place.  I'm really not 'grateful' for any of it.  How ungrateful of me!

I don't much care about the discomfort of having these drugs. 
What does bother me, is the constant reminders of what's wrong with me.
Obviously, even if I wasn't having constant hospital appointments, it's not something I could forget about.  I'd still think about it, and worry about it every hour of every day.  But the constant hospital appointments are stark reminders.  They force it in my face.
If all these toxins they're pumping into me, came with some sort of guarantee, it might be different.
If after all this, I knew I'd be cured, and the breast cancer would never return, I might be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, a bit more clearly.
But there are no guarantees.. No promises.. No miracle cures.  Just hope.

It's almost a year since I found 'the lump'.  Maybe that's why I seem to be dwelling on this alot, at the minute.  But I'm not having a bad day.  This isn't how I feel on a bad day.. This is just a general feeling, that's with me the vast majority of the time.

I was chatting to a lady called Trudy today, in the chemo suite.
I'm further along the treament road, than she is.  She was having her final FEC chemo today.  To be followed by radiotherapy and then Herceptin.
We were chatting about 'our' cancers, and how scary it is.  Being so unsure about the future is scary.
It was good to be able to talk to someone who knows how it feels.
Friends can be great listeners, but most don't know just how this feels.  It's good to talk to people in the same position.. It's not quite so lonely then.

To end on a brighter note, I'm going to see Bon Jovi in concert, on Sunday!

.. And I'll be having my first hair cut since chemo, on Friday!!

When was the last time you had a conversation with the moon?
Or made a wish on a falling star?
Held hope from a string of delicate things?

When was the last time you got lost in an enchanted wood?
Or were kissed by a prince who turned into a frog?
Consulted a caterpillar?
Or kidnapped a myth?
Had a visit from your faery godmother, who turned pumpkins into coaches,
and wishes into wings?

When was the last time you cried lost tears, into a lake of longing?
Or sipped inspiration from a pool of wonder?
Or rose like a phoenix from the ashes?

When did you last lay your head in the lap of awe,
and listen to a song from a distant shore called home?

The time is now..
Soar
Explore
Remember your dreams
and unseen things.
Sing with rapture
And dance
Dance
Dance like a dervish
And when imagination knocks.. open the door.

Not all that much has happened really, since my last 'blog'..

I got myself a laptop today, to replace the old PC..
Well, this is actually the fourth laptop I've had, in as many days.  Numbers 1, 2 and 3 went back to PC World, as they were all defective.
Number 4 was purchased from the high-end computer store, we all know and love.. Tesco!

I'm due for my second 'round' of Herceptin, next Wednesday.
It'll be three weeks then, since I had the first one, which, thankfully, was fairly uneventful.
It made me feel rubbish for a while, and I was stuck at the hospital all day, for observation, incase I had a freaky reaction to it.  But I'm pleased to report that I didn't!  Hopefully I wont have to stay there so long, next time.  And hopefully there'll be no freaky reactions then, either.

There's not much else to report.. still plodding on!